How Do You Handle A Really Rough Critique?

 

I don’t mean a throw away comment that is clearly not true. I mean a really hard pill to swallow. A comment that shoots right to the heart and no matter how strong you are, you can’t smile through it. A simple phrase that plays over in your mind again and again and again…..and you try and soften the blow or explain yourself out of it as much as you can, but you can’t. They haunt you whenever there’s a bit of spare time, or especially when you’re feeling a little low or less than confident about something. Back it comes like a reoccurring mozzie bite.

Surely you know the sort of comments I mean?

 

In the sport of bodybuilding, the critiques or comments you get, are all about you. They hit the spot that hurts the most with a lot of us – the way we look. Let’s face it; no one in their right mind likes being told they don’t look good. Competitors line themselves up, literally, against others and there’s a winner and a loser in every line up.

I’m very used to the public comments that go hand in hand with my chosen hobby. Most of the time I can genuinely smile it off and appreciate that the whole look isn’t appealing to all. I was stopped outside the Coffee Club one day by a lovely lady who said to me, and I quote, “Congratulations Kirsten on your win. I didn’t like your pictures at all though. Not my cup of tea at all!! Definitely not my cup of tea – but I appreciate your hard work”. I just had to smile and accept her well wishes albeit wrapped in a strange coating.

So I’m a realist about the response from the general public to bodybuilding. Especially female body building. But what I wasn’t prepared for was my own reaction to judges’ comments. Here’s the scenario;

In May 2013 I entered a competition in Darwin and won my division. I then went to the Overall judging where all divisional winners competed against each other.  The winner was a beautiful woman who deserved her place as she looked simply amazing.

Next step - I have been advised by my coach to always seek feedback from the judges whether you win or not to ensure you know what parts need working on.  I was feeling pretty good about myself on that day. The week before I had won a regional Overall title, and I knew I was ready to peak at the Southern Hemisphere Championships in two weeks’ time. I’m far from where I ultimately want to be but I knew I was doing Ok for my time in the sport. So I feared nothing as I approached the first judge to hear what they thought I should focus on for the next season (certainly nothing could be altered in time for the next comp in 2 weeks).

I marched up asked for feedback. I quickly wished I hadn’t. I was devastated. “What could be so bad?” I hear you thinking. To be brutally honest – I don’t even want to admit it here. In the interests of a good story, I will. She told me…eek…that I had ….ouchie…. baggy skin under my bum. There you go – as vulnerable as I’ll ever be. Saggy arse skin.

I can honestly and truly tell you that I had NO idea that she was going to say that. If I had inkling, I would have certainly made sure that we were out of earshot of anyone else in that room! As it was,  I spontaneously very, very nearly had a quick cry. My eyes stung with tears and I wanted to hide in shame. I was embarrassed, humiliated and in complete shock. Overreaction? Not sure. I’m still cringing at it some one year later so I guess it was a really hard thing to take. It hurt my feelings more than anything had for a very long time.

I had another competition in two weeks and I suddenly had the world’s biggest problem to fix. For the next two weeks I perfected walking like a duck with my bum poked out and at attention 24/7. That derriere forced skyward with such intensity, I had a sore back for weeks after.

And then the comps finished and everything went back to normal. Except for my saggy, baggy bum skin. That took a while longer to fill out.

I reflected long and hard for many, many hours and many, many conversations with my man (who, by the way, absolutely loves my bum when it fat, flat, saggy or perky). There were even a few hours there when I wondered if I should give it up. I mean, I’m at an age where skin isn’t perfect. I’ve had three children and I am naturally a decent sized girl so I tend to have to lose quite a lot of weight for my competition division (which requires me to be less than 57kg). All of this means that my skin condition will never be perfect.

But I only thought that for a moment. And then I spent hours on the internet researching people who had transformed their bottoms from flat and fat to muscular and shapely. I looked at bums galore. Big bums, round bums, striated bums – you name it and I saw it. I visualised the ass of my dreams and decided that I was going to spend the next year or two ‘growing it’.

And then I changed the way I squat. I started hitting parallel and then dropping some more. I concentrate on those glutes during every second of my squats and I will those muscles to g.r.o.w. I’m not giving up without a fight and I’ve got so much fight left in me, it’s dangerous.

And, on top of it all, I started to accept that I’m just not going to be perfect. I’m probably not ever going to have a butt that will grace the cover of a g-string advertisement. It might not ever be my strongest body part. But it WILL stand up to the competition line and I will make sure I show it off in the best way I can.

Finally, if I’m feeling a bit low I don’t sit there focusing on my backside. I refuse to. I try to replace negative thoughts with positive. I can’t always turn a negative into a positive – but I can always take control of my mind and refuse to spend any more time on those things that aren’t great. I am a HUGE believer that you must take control of your thoughts – choose what you want to think about – decide what you want your mind to focus on – and be aware that what you think about again and again and again and again – you will begin to make occur. Refuse to believe this at your own risk.

Simply said, concentrating on a flabby bum, no muscle tone, how unfair it is to be judged alongside young skin, how hard it is to change such a large muscle and how much work it will be to go from a ‘pancake’ to a ‘beautifully round and hard peach’ – will do nothing for me other than to steal my confidence, encourage my self-pity, zap my self-esteem and annoy to hell anyone unlucky enough to listen to my constant moaning.

Instead, I focus on what can be achieved, how I can achieve and how grand it will be at the big reveal!!

Critiquing is a hard nuts thing. You have to have guts to seek it, and a strategy to handle it.

And then I remind myself of one more thing

Kirst - if you can't handle the heat .... get out of the friggin kitchen!!!