The Day My Bum Wasn't Smiling...

The night before we had made a plan!! Don’t they get it? We had made A PLAN!!!! He was going to hold the stretchy-band-harness and I was going to run flat-out in another direction and work up the world’s biggest sweat in an effort to use up as much energy as humanly possible in the shortest time possible. That’s how I roll! But you have to understand – when I get to this point in prep, PLANS are really, really, really important! They cannot be broken. End of.

So when an emergency called in the morning and it became quickly apparent that Rob was not going to be around the place to assist, I got ‘the panicks’. The world started to turn and tilt and I had to find a way to get all back on track. IDEA!!!! The kids can hold the harness – one on each side!! You little ripper!! See – even with less food than normal I can still come up with the goods!! A real Ideas Girl!!

So at about 5.30pm, the three kids and I went down to the local school oval and I slapped on that harness with great enthusiasm. I attached it with a metal clip to a very firm stretchy band. (Very firm. Too firm.) I then connected the two oldest kids to each end of the stretchy band. Well….actually I didn’t attach them and therein lies the big problem. I just got them to hold on to a handle each and pull like crazy backwards. They were delighted with their new jobs and the giggles were loud and long through ten solid sprints. It couldn’t have worked better if planned!!! I was making absolutely no progress whatsoever yet my legs and arms were pumping as hard as possible. Complete HIIT success!!!

After ten good ones, I took off around the school and filled in some time with box jumps, pushups and other horrible nasties!! Ten minutes later and I was ready for my final set of ten sprints. “Come on kids!! Let’s hit the harness” I yelled. They happily grabbed the handles and we were off yet again. This time they were able to actually lie on the ground while I ran nowhere – it was gold!! We were all having fun and they were laughing as much as I was sweating!!

And then it happened. The world went very dark very quickly. Was it a horse hoof? Was it a hammer? Just what was it that hit the left side of my bum cheek that took me from full sprint to lying on the grass with my eyes feeling like they were going to pop out of my head. Tears stung my eyes like needles and I felt like my arse was truly on fire! ON FIRE!!!! Burning and stinging like a thousand bees had hit the jackpot! (and remember my encounter with 27 paper wasps at Kakadu – I know about stings!!).

I turned around and saw the culprit. Culprits. They were lying on the ground behind me, sans handles, looking terrified. I wanted to ease their little minds and make them feel better… but the pain was just too fierce and, instead of being a beautiful Mummy and saying something nice … I said a great big fat swear word. A really nasty one. One that I expelled in an effort to ease my aching arse. It felt good to say but didn’t help my ailing bum one iota.

So I lay on the grass and cried. The kids cried too. We all cried together. And then I got up and demanded that they take those handles and hold on for their lives. I had 6 more sprints to complete before that HIIT was over and this not the time in my regime to finish early. We all cried the whole way through and I knew my boy was very affected because he went and sat on the top of the goalpost for a while afterward. That’s what he does when he’s very happy or very sad.

I drove home on one cheek. As I arrived and made a beeline for the freezer ice pack, I was accosted by someone from the heart foundation collecting money. I very abruptly cut him off and said, “No thank you!!” as I strode to the front door. He kept coming and mumbled something about being from the Heart Foundation. Could he not see the pain in my eyes?!!!! “I said NO THANK YOU!!” He scooted away and my daughter said, “Mum!! He was from the Heart Foundation!!” I replied, “I couldn’t care less if he was the Queen of bloody England!!! My bum is going to fall off if I don’t get ice on it!!”

Ice packs – 20m on, 20m off, 20m on – all evening. A few more self-pity tears and a bruise that looked like a yellow/green/blue rainbow and I just thanked the universe that more damage hadn’t been done. The metal clasp of the band had hit my meaty cheek. If it had hit my tail-bone or spine, I’m uncertain what would have happened.

It only took a few hours to really have a good laugh about it. And reassure my kids that they did absolutely nothing wrong. That it was my fault for setting it all up that way.

What I can affirm is that Dream Tan covers everything. EVERYTHING!!!