I really
wanted to start this blog post off with a dictionary definition of the word “Piglet”.
I wanted it to say something cute about being partial to having a solid heaping
of food – but it only said pretty nasty things and used words like ‘glutton’
and ‘greedy’. These are way too harsh for what I want to outline today. I also
noted that “Piglet” is a slang and derogatory word for a Police Officer and
I've weathered more than my fair share of them! So I won’t go there with “Piglet”. Instead I’ll
use something else. Can't find anything else that fits other than piglet, glutton or greedy pants. Ah stuff it – Piglet it is!!
So let’s get
down to the Topic Of The Day. How original – it centres around food – again! But this
time it’s not all about me. It’s about Him. He who can consume mammoth amounts
with little change to his shadow dimensions. He who can splurge regularly
on sweet, savoury or cheesy goods and have no bum dimples as a result. The Chocolate Monster who can magically make a whole bar disappear in an ad break. Otherwise
known as Rob. My own not-so-little piglet.
So here’s
the scenario; We are on two weeks holiday and we have no plans other
than a few jobs around home and a fair whack of rest. We start off our first
Monday morning with a trip to the gym, a yummy coffee at a café and home for
scrambled eggs covered in mushrooms, onions, tomatoes and cheese. Rob wraps his
5-yolker in four tortillas and devours them with the heady smell of yeast
wafting over in the air. For me, I am somewhat content with my 2 yolks, 4 whites,
mushrooms, tomatoes & onions and a decent 30g of tasty cheese all heaped onto a huge bed of
wilted spinach. It’s a pretty good looking feast and the only way to make it
better was the sprinkling of salt & pepper and a drizzle of flaxseed oil
for good measure. How is it that I feel just the slightest little feeling of
resentment that I’m not tucking into tortillas too? The eensiest feeling of being a little f***d off at the lack of anything yeast based on my own plate.
“Go ahead and eat them
too!! What’s your problem with carbs??!!” I hear you scream at the computer
screen! “No problem with carbs at all” I reply. I just chose on that day to
pile them up later in the day because I wanted oats and rice in big quantities
with my lunch, dinner and afternoon tea! These days I have no rules on what I allow myself to eat - it's just that I'm also a piglet and prefer quantities to be large. This means I carefully choose what I eat and make sure there is plenty of it!
Anyhow, this
isn’t about me this time. It’s about him! So he devours his tortillas and
massive plate of cheesy eggs and a short time later I hear something like this,
“Honey – do you reckon I need to lose a little bit of this?” “this” is the
playful little roll of soft stuff that has formed nicely in a perimeter near
his belly button. I’m unsure what to say. We have been on a mission to put
weight on him for such a long time now and, all of a sudden this mission has
become an overwhelming success. It is so successful that it’s time to sabotage
it a bit! Yes, the soft beginnings of the spare tyre could do with deflating
just a tad. Can I be a bit honest and agree with him? Bloody oath I can!!
So I gently
agree that it might just be time to formulate a Maintenance Plan. And I sell
myself as The One to write this new plan. Is that because I’m excellent at
writing plans? Is it because I care so much that I only trust myself with this
delicate operation? Is it because I have a vested interest in seeing the tyre
deflate? None of the above. It’s because I’m going to get a real kick out of
seeing him cut back on the piles of food he is eating!!! Bahahahahaa!!!!!!
So the first
job to do is blatantly obvious. In fact, anyone starting on a plan to achieve
just about anything in life must first take stock of what they currently
have/do/eat because how the hell can you change something if you don’t know
what to change? I digress but it frustrates the hell out of me when people
start on a health and fitness campaign and, instead of taking stock of their
current regime and writing out what they do and what they eat – they just
launch into a meal & exercise plan that someone else has written. Urghhhh –
kills me!! Why? Because only a bloody noddy would change absolutely everything
in a person’s life in one big hit! Only a complete gumby changes an overweight,
emotional eating woman onto a sudden life-plan of chicken salads and cardio!! Mental! And they actually make money out of this crap!!
Back on
track. Rob’s first task is to list for me exactly what he ate yesterday. Why
not today’s food? Because I know exactly what happens when you ask the average
person to track their food “Starting from today” – you bet your bottom dollar
they immediately manipulate their food just to look that eensy bit
better!! Trick for young players!! I’m not easily fooled so I delve into
Yesterday! And it looks a little like this;
Breakfast
-
5
eggs – scrambled
-
1
cup cooked mushroom and onion
-
Splattering
of spinach leaves
-
4
x tortillas
-
1tsp
flaxseed oil
Lunch
-
100g
dry weight of oats
-
200g
low-fat greek yoghurt
-
1
large scoop of True Mass protein blend
Afternoon Tea
-
200g
cooked weight of white rice
-
1
large scoop of True Mass protein blend
Dinner
-
Nice
large piece of bbq’d rump steak
-
Decent
sized green salad
-
Large
serving of steamed vegies
-
3
x tortillas
-
Drizzle
of flaxseed oil
-
Basil
pesto
Before Bed
-
1
large scoop of True Mass protein blend
-
300ml
of low fat milk
Snacks
-
2
x Chocolate Hot Cross Buns
-
3-5
coffees with low-fat milk
-
1
x can of coconut water
I plug this list into My Fitness Pal
and mainly use scanned barcodes so I know the figures are very accurate.
It gives me an overall calorie count.
4,668. Calories. In. One. Day.
Respect.
Seriously – there has got to be some merit in the fact that
he can consume this amount of food and not be morbidly obese. And to clarify,
Rob does as little cardio as he can get away with. The MAXIMUM I can persuade
him into is 1 x 25minute HIIT session per week, and he often finds a way to
weedle out of that!! But he does a solid and intense weights workout
at least five days a week. Consistently.
So after the hugest laugh at just how
many cals he is consuming, I take my knife to the menu and slash it
mercilessly!! Haha!! Such great joy in bringing him down a carb or two!!
I show no mercy and zero tolerance! A trait I learnt at work.
Actually, the reality is far less sensational. The only changes I make are as
follows;
-
Take
one egg out of the breakfast omelette and replace with egg whites.
-
Replace
the large scoop of protein to a normal 30g size
-
Limit
the tortillas at 4 per day – much to his disgust!! (yeah – my heart bleeds!)
-
Limit
the sweet treats to only one in a day
Believe it or not, this took the
overall count down by between 1,500-200cal per day. But the best part is this –
as soon as I gave Rob the good news about the cuts, he started stressing about
being hungry!! It was hilarious! Quite honestly I don’t think he would
have noticed the changes had I phased them in without him knowing. Yet because
he was aware of the sudden lack of food (chortle chortle), he had nightmares
about waking up ravenous! At least 3 times a day he started making mention of
how the decrease in food was starting to haunt his enjoyment of an impending
meal. I couldn’t stop laughing!! I laughed right into my bowl of salad!!
Bahahahaha!!!
Coupled with this, he has started to stand sideways in front of every available mirror and he tells me regularly that he swears he can feel himself fading away before his very eyes. He also starts mentioning that he can see the odd vein popping out and some striations appearing in the delt region. He is only joking and I can only half-heartedly laugh at the reaction of a Man on a Diet.
In my quiet times I have a little sob sob sob as I still can’t quite come to full acceptance at how I
can’t just pig out all day everyday!! Sigh sigh sigh….
So we are 1.5 weeks down and he is
down 2.9kg. True story.
So FREAKIN unfair.
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